Ronald Fisher: Beer and pussy. That's all I need.
Sean Smith: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
Ronald Fisher: Smurfette?
Sean Smith: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck.
Sean Smith: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.
Ronald Fisher: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.
Sean Smith: Okay, then, you know what? She fucks them and Vanity watches. Okay?
Ronald Fisher: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.
Sean Smith: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang, and he beats off to the tape.
Donnie: [shouts] First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?
Ronald Fisher: [pause] Dammit, Donnie. Why you gotta get all smart on us?
The International Syndicate of Cult Film Critics aim to celebrate shoddy B-movies and straight-to-video films. We will cover these flicks fondly, with tongues firmly kept in our cheeks. The one thing we ask of those who contribute to the Club is that you must watch the film in its entirety, even if this means having to strap yourself down onto a chair and getting your eyelids locked out like Alex DeLarge from ‘A Clockwork Orange’. It is imperative that you absorb the visual treats.
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"Drunk at the matinee" is a collection of candid poetry about stupid shit that we all experience from day to day.




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